The air in my office has gone out.

This doesn’t sound like a big deal, I know–I’m in England, after all. How bad can it be?

Pretty bad, as it turns out. It’s lovely and cool outside, but two floors’ worth of people all using computers at varying levels of warp speed throws out a surprising amount of heat. I heard horror stories of it reaching 29 degrees Celsius (around 84 degrees Fahrenheit) upstairs, and while it’s not *quite* that bad on my floor, it is…cozy. Very, very aggressively cozy. Combine that with a hearty lunch, and it seems like come 2pm, absolutely everyone in the office is dragging. Yawns are rampant. A higher-than-is-plausible number of people have been pulling the "staring intently at something on my desk with my head in my hands" maneuver, and I swear at least a couple of them are snoring…

Supposedly it’s going to be fixed tomorrow. I might come to work in pajamas just in case.

Despite reading an embarrassing number of murder mystery stories, I’ve never been too much of a true crime reader. I think it’s the whole “this happened to real people” thing—if it’s someone in Miss Marple’s acquaintance or Michael Myers’s second cousin getting slaughtered, I’m positively gleeful about it, but if you remind me that this was an actual person with an actual family, it kind of…takes the fun out of it. Rather obviously. Recently, though, I was reading an interview with Megan Abbott—a modern author who’s written some really great books I can only describe as feminist noir—and she was talking about how much she loved the true crime genre, and made the mistake of looking up a few of the authors she mentioned, which is how I ended up whipping through Severed, by John Gilmore, in about two evenings’ reading.

And yes: it’s a book about the Black Dahlia. Called “Severed.” No points for subtlety here. But that said, I actually really enjoyed the book. Gilmore takes his time setting up the story; after an initial explanation of the crime scene, he backtracks through Elizabeth Short’s life, which seems to have been characterised by a particularly Hollywood-style scrabbling for existence. Once he circles back to the murder, Gilmore then spends some time tracking the progress of the LAPD’s investigation, which was gory for wholly different reasons—apparently in the 1940s the Los Angeles mortuary was known for its disorganisation and filth; he tells one anecdote about a body being released back to the family with the face left peeled down the skull post-autopsy. Charming stuff. And finally, he gets into a post-script to the story that I’d never heard before—that in the 1960s, the LAPD was finally near arresting a suspect for Elizabeth Short’s murder…only to have him die in a hotel fire, ensuring the case remains formally unsolved.

If the story about the morgue didn’t tip you off, one last word of advice from me—if you’re not a regular true crime reader, be warned that the documentation is, erm, on the explicit side. At the end of the book (at least on a Kindle—I’m not sure where this is in a physical book) there are several pages of photographs, and I was happily flipping through photos of Elizabeth Short, her friends, and boyfriends, only to turn the page onto a very close-up, very explicit photo from her autopsy. I know I’m explaining the obvious here—wait, you mean a book about a murder might include disturbing stuff about a murder?!—but if you’re a fellow newbie, be warned.

I think what I took away most from this book is more of a meta-observation—Elizabeth Short’s brief life and gruesome death seem to have captivated a number of male writers. Gilmore includes a preface in which he goes after James Ellroy with a stiletto, and that tone of possessiveness is one Ellroy shares. These men seem really invested in being seen as understanding Elizabeth Short and being connected to her. I’d be really interested in finding out if any women have written about the Black Dahlia murder. I think for some men, the idea of a glamorous, vulnerable woman dying in a horrible way is uniquely fascinating. I suspect for most women, the idea that being a pretty woman could get you killed isn’t surprising at all.

Yesterday someone started a joke thread on the company forums (hey, it’s the Friday before bank holiday weekend, don’t judge). I chickened out of posting the funniest one I know because it is fantastically work-inappropriate (it involves a vicar and the porn channel of a hotel), but here’s my favourite of the ones that went up. If you know me in real life, please trust I will be performing it for you, complete with mimed peg-leg antics, at the earliest opportunity:

A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

He decides to have a couple of drinks with him. Eventually he loosens up around the pirate and asks "So how did you get that peg leg there?"

"Yarrr, I harpooned me a narwhal, I caught me boot in the line and had to chop off me own leg lest I be crushed in the depths of Davey Jones’ locker"

The sailor then asked "well how about the hook? How did you get that?"

"We were boarding a vessel and a young lass swung at me true with a cutlass, took me hand off at the wrist"

The sailor then asked "How about the eye patch?"

The pirate responded "A seagull took a crap in it"

"That doesn’t make any sense", the sailor asked, "how would that take your eye out?"

"It was me first day with the hook."

Our dog used to live like a dog. When we first moved in together, Remy slept in his crate in the living room, and we slept in our bedroom. You know, like normal people.

Then we moved here, and Remy’s crate wasn’t assembled by the end of our first night in the new place. “Oh, it’s fine,” we thought, “He’ll just sleep in our bed. He’s probably unsettled by the move, so this will be a nice treat, and then he’ll go back to sleeping in his crate!”

Yeah. That was a year ago.

The thing is, for a tiny little dog, Remy manages to take up about 85% of our bed at any given moment. He snores. He sneezes in your face. And he likes to move around throughout the night, and he likes to kickkickkick until he gets comfortable. I was wondering why I was so tired all the time, until I was awoken the other night by a little french bulldog kicking me in the face as he arranged his butt on my pillow.

We tried sleeping with him downstairs once recently, and it was blissful. Unbelievably so. I’ve never felt so well-rested in my life. The problem is…Remy’s used to sleeping upstairs with us now. So when we put him in his crate—helpfully constructed of fricking metal bars—he stares at us like we’re dropping him off at the orphanage, and then collapses in a snorty heap of disappointment and defeat. It’s terrible.

Yes, this is clearly a problem completely of our own making. It’s belabouring the point a bit, but we’ve made our bed…and now we’re going to have to lie in it.

So now that I’m finished with the endless baby gifts, I’m back to knitting for myself. I’m currently working away on Springtime Bandit, a really nice triangular scarf pattern. (Incidentally, I’m also doing it in a thinner yarn than the pattern calls for.) I really like triangular scarves—the construction seems to lend itself to more interesting patternwork than a regular rectangular scarf, and I like the way they look on much more. The construction, however, is a double-edged sword, because while it lets you do really cool stuff, it also makes the scarf a bigger and bigger (no pun intended) pain in the ass as you work on it.

Most triangular scarf patterns (and shawl patterns, and presumably triangular tea cozies if you cared to make them, but you know what I mean) start at the centre of the top, and you work back and forth while increasing, so you’re essentially knitting the edges out as you go. Here’s a sophisticated MS Paint rendering of what I mean:

Shawl

Clearly I’ve wasted my life by not attending art school.

When you start, a row will have, like, six stitches in it. You whip through pattern repeats in about the time it takes to play a Britney Spears video. Halfway through, though, even a row of plain purling takes the entirety of Lady Gaga’s new twenty-minute opus, and you still have about two-thirds of the fucking thing to go.

At the moment, I am on pattern repeat five (out of eight) and feel like gremlins are unravelling my knitting every time I turn around, because this thing is never any closer to getting finished. (Clearly Odysseus doesn’t want me marrying Luke. O-ho-ho-ho, classical references!) And even once I get through the patterns, there’s still the (lovely, gorgeous, completely worth it) edging to get through! And then! THEN I HAVE TO BLOCK THE GODDAMN THING!

(Which reminds me, perfectionist knitters, please stop grinding your teeth—that photo above was taken midway through the blocking process, as in, it totally got straightened out and symmetrical-ised.)

Everyone says there are product knitters and process knitters, but that is a blatant lie. There are knitters who successfully conceal their impatience to be finished with a project that begins approximately two hours after starting it, and there are those knitters who begin screaming and insisting this sweater is totally the right length and they’ll just start the armhole shaping now before they’re even done with the gauge swatch. No credit for guessing which side I’m flying my particular standard on.

This post is a slightly different foray into reviewing—rather than something I’ve read, it’s something I bought. But it’s vintage, so INTO THE POST TAG YOU GO.

Earlier this week, I read Retro Chick’s post reviewing VanRoe Compacts, a company I’d never heard of before. They’re a small family company who sell vintage compacts (and some new ones) that have been cleaned and refurbished. I was scrolling down the post when a cream 1950s compact caught my eye. A second glance at the pricetag (eminently reasonable) and a click of the link, and that compact was in my shopping basket and through Paypal in about twenty seconds.

Now here’s where I get very impressed. I ordered the compact Thursday morning. Mid-morning on Friday, I got an email at work saying there was a parcel waiting for me. This means the turnaround from order to shipped was less than a day, which gets even more intimidating when you read the company blog and realise that Jane, the proprietess, gave birth just over a week ago. As in, two people with a newborn and a toddler got my order to me in just over 24 hours. I can only imagine what they’re like under normal circumstances—I suspect your order is being shipped to you before you’ve even finished browsing.

Okay, okay, they ship fast, so what’s it like? I’m afraid you’ll have to go back to Gemma’s blog to see the packaging, because I all but ripped it open with my teeth in my eagerness to get to the compact, but trust me that it’s lovely—a cute ribboned box with a card and a sweet (hand-written! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!) note thanking you for your purchase, and everything wrapped securely in tissue paper. And inside, your lovely compact:

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Photographed by a complete doofus.

This compact is designed for use with loose powder, and because I’m obnoxious I’ll crow about the fact that mine has its original sifter and puff.

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This makes me want to powder my nose in public like a hussy.

I was a little nervous that my first attempt at filling it would be disastrous. You pull the sifter out and tip in your powder, then replace it, and the mesh on the sifter dispenses just as much as you need. I use Make Up For Ever’s High Definition powder, which is really finely milled, and was worried the sifter would be too coarse and I’d end up with powder everywhere. But my vintage compact was more than up to the challenge of my modern powder, and it works great.

Anyway, if you are into this kind of thing, I definitely recommend them—they know their stuff, and rather than risking the wilds of Ebay or Etsy, this way you’re guaranteed a working compact in lovely condition, packaged nicely enough to go straight from mailbag to birthday party. The biggest drawback I’ve found is that I’m running the risk of being overly powdered and lipsticked, given that I’m finding excuses to pull my new compact out of my purse every five minutes.

Sesame Street has finally spoken out to answer the question of whether Bert and Ernie will ever get married:

Bert and Ernie are best friends.  They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.

And I get it, I can understand why people think Bert and Ernie are in a relationship: they’ve lived together for ages; they seem to do everything together; half their humour is based on an odd-couple dynamic.

But I’ve never thought Bert and Ernie were gay. I just thought they were twins.

Growing up as a twin means you experience certain events a bit differently—often ones you don’t realise are different until you’re much older. For one thing, I never had that “oh god it’s the first day of school and I don’t know a soul” until I was seventeen and off at university. (The fact that I spent my childhood making friends as part of a set still means my time-honoured trick for making friends in a class, party, office, whatever is to instantly decide one person IS MY FRIEND and promptly start cracking jokes like we’re an accepted double act. It actually works pretty well; even if you don’t really know the other person acting like you’re already friends means you’re in a group, so people assume you must be fun.) And because there were always at least two of us playing make-believe at a time, we were particularly attracted to characters we interpreted as fitting into our twin mold. Chip and Dale are still beloved to my sister and I. Bert and Ernie were another. (Which brings me to another lengthy parenthetical: I was always Chip and Dara was always Dale, but weirdly, when it comes to Sesame Street she’s clearly Bert and I’m unquestionably Ernie. This may support my dad’s assertion that when we were babies we used to switch personalities.)

Two people who live together, spend tons of time together, and are incredibly different yet strangely matched? This was a paradigm I instantly recognised as a toddler, and I haven’t had reason to question it yet. Well, fine, I suppose that sentence could also describe my boyfriend and I. But while Luke does have a certain familial weakness for pigeons, I think I can confidently point out that Dara is definitely the twin with the unibrow. Snerf snerf.

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Elephant in the wild.

I’m caught up! With God as my witness, I am caught up on baby gifts!! This is the first one, and since he’s made it safely through the post to his new home, I can plaster him all over the internet.

Technically, his name—at least the one given to him by Ysolda, the pattern designer—is Elijah. But I like the name Otto (her name for her polar bear pattern, which I also may or may not have knitted in the recent past), so Otto he is. Incidentally, this is the…fourth time I’ve knitted this guy? Or fifth? I know I made him for my cousin’s baby, and liked it so much I immediately knitted a second one for myself, and this guy is one of two I’ve just finished knitting. What can I say?—he’s really cute. And the pattern is a really cleverly-designed piece of work; you start from the head knitting on double-pointed needles (or dpns, for those of you in the know) and stuff as you go, so when you get finished with the ears, you’re DONE. For any knitter who’s finished the knitting only to face several more hours of sewing and stuffing tiny little stuffed-animal parts, this is a godsend that makes the knitting about 1,000 times more fun. So he’s kind of become my baby gift calling card.

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But with ears like that, who’s going to complain?

Here’s the thing: this blog post has to be about the riots, because all anyone in England is talking about right now is the rioting. You could do worse than read this piece on the psychology of the looters by Zoe Williams—I’ll provide the usual caveat that of course, as someone living outside of the immediate danger of violence, it is very easy for me to be concerned about the mindset of the person smashing a Debenhams window rather than, say, my personal safety…but that said, this excerpt really struck me:

"These people aren’t interested in tuition fees. In constituency, it’s most similar to a prison riot: what will happen is that, usually in the segregation unit, nobody will ever know exactly, but a rumour will emanate that someone has been hurt in some way. There will be some form of moral outrage that takes its expression in self-interested revenge. There is no higher purpose, you just have a high volume of people with a history of impulsive behaviour, having a giant adventure."

Of course, the difference is that, in a prison, liberty has already been lost. So something pretty serious must have happened in order for young people on the streets to be behaving as though they have already been incarcerated.

One personal anecdote and I’ll get out of the way. Last night, when I was dropping off to sleep, a police car with its siren on went past my house. This isn’t a very noteworthy occurrence—our street heads straight towards the city centre, so we get ambulances and police going by at regular enough intervals that a siren isn’t totally out of place. This time, though, it made my heart start racing. It sounded more urgent. I found out this morning a few dozen people tried to loot the Grafton Centre, so presumably the car was on its way to get to them.

I think this is changing England. It may be temporary, or it may not, but right now at least the country feels different.

After a brief break from running (knee troubles instantly. Clearly god wants my people to be the human equivalent of french bulldogs—we’re all torso and sudden movement causes bodily revolt), I’m back to my early morning jaunts round the park.

In my absence, there’s been a bit of a changeover in dog park regulars. Sadly, the wake-and-bake dog walker hasn’t been seen lately—either his dog has been toilet trained or he’s been busted. There’s a new guy who runs laps the opposite direction as I do, which is the saving grace of my pride, since he runs about three times as fast as I do. If we were running in the same direction I think he’d be lapping me every twenty seconds or so.

My new favourite, though, is Ambiguously Tai Chi Guy, an older gentleman who shows up in a sweatsuit and does…some form of meditative martial art? Whatever it is, this morning he spent about twenty-five minutes holding a Karate Kid pose while walking in tight circles around a tree. He motivated me to run faster so I could get round again and see if he was still twirling. So Karate OAP, you are my new best park guy.

Even if you do probably still run faster than I do.

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