The Nervous Purvis

My mother’s birthday was yesterday. Happy birthday Mommy! You’d think in honor of her birthday I’d do something like write a lovely poem about her, or list her many accomplishments, or tell a heart-warming anecdote about her maternal skills. And don’t get me wrong, there are many. But this is my blog, and frankly, I wouldn’t be my mother’s daughter if I didn’t seize every excuse I could to tell stupid stories about the people I love. So Mother, this list of random anecdotes is for you!

1. One of our (many) pet names for my mom is Marmee, like the mother in “Little Women.” We’ve always pronounced it like it looks, because…well, it’s pretty self-explanatory, no? Except it’s NOT. I was reading a random book about Louisa May Alcott a few years ago and it said that she also called her mother Marmee…except with her crazy East Coast accent, it was pronounced identically to “Mommy.” WTF. We’re sticking with our way. I think it lends my mother a certain piratical je ne sais quoi.

2. My mom, like my grandmother, has had hip and knee problems for a while now (this is probably why my running will eventually come to a fiery and/or amputated end, but whatever), and had knee replacement surgery when we were in junior high. When my younger sister was in high school, my mom had to go in to tangle with a teacher who was being really obstinate about some stupid stuff. So my sister was sitting in her advisor’s office at the end of the school day waiting for the meeting, the teacher arrives, and then my mother arrives…hobbling along with one of those big metal canes with the four-pronged bottoms for extra stability, talking about “I’m very upset that we couldn’t deal with this more simply, I’ve had to leave work early, and I’m disabled, so coming in is a big burden for me…” The thing is, my mother is technically disabled (she has a handicapped placard for parking and everything, which is a whole other post on how people feel totally obligated to comment on how disabled they think you are, but I’ll get there eventually)…but my mother does not walk with a cane. She basically went “well, if I have to go in for this stupid meeting, I’m going to milk the sympathy vote for all it’s worth,” and hobbled in like she was near death. Apparently my sister refused to look at her the entire time because she was afraid she would start laughing.

3. My mother started law school when I started high school, and graduated my first year of university. There is not an anecdote attached to this—I just bring it up because I struggle to multi-task between “eating” and “sleeping.” I cannot imagine studying towards an advanced degree while taking care of three stroppy teenagers. My mother is a superwoman.

4. I was only going to put three numbers in this list, but that last one has reminded me of an actual awesome anecdote. So a few years ago my mother had to call another attorney about an ongoing and frustrating case, and she got his voicemail. She left a message, hung up, and said “…asshole.” (I said it was a frustrating case.) Only then she realized that she hadn’t actually hung up the phone. She had called the guy an asshole on his own voicemail. So she hung up, panicked for about thirty seconds, and then phoned him back. And left another voicemail going “Hi Gary, I just called you an asshole. Uh, sorry about that. I thought I’d hung up the phone.” And then a few hours later he called her back laughing, and said “Eh, I’d probably call me an asshole too.” Only my mother could curse at someone, reiterate to them that she’d just cursed at them, and have it turn out fine. This is because despite her rampant profanity and refusal to acknowledge I’m actually her favorite daughter, my mother is delightful.